Strengthening Relationships

Lets talk more about healthy interpersonal relationships.  In a recent blog post I mentioned we need to stop trying to control others.  This does not mean we are powerless in influencing our relationships.  I want you to feel empowered and recognize you have more control over your relationships than you may think.  I always tell my patients, address the behavior but build the relationship.  Whether you are dealing with a spouse, significant other, child or co-worker, it is essential that we separate a person's behavior from their character.  All too often we see the behavior as the person and when we attempt to address the undesirable behavior we attack the individual's character.  This inevitably erodes the relationship.  We are too quick to attribute fault in a situation and project blame onto the other party rather than examine our contribution to the problem.  Our ultimate goal needs to be harmony and cooperation in the relationship and taking personal responsibility to make the relationship successful.    

This is not easy because of the two destructive elements discussed in an earlier post---pride and insecurity.  With pride in our way we may think something like,  "He can't do that to me; he's so mean!" With insecurity driving us we may think, "He must hate me; nobody is nice to me."  

If we want to address the behavior but build the relationship we may think this instead: "He is not mean, he's human but he said something mean; we all say mean things at times" or "He doesn't hate me, he's just human and is feeling stressed."  We may then address the situation like this: "I really appreciate your efforts in trying to maintain a healthy relationship with me and I want to do my part to help us be successful.  One thing that would help me is if you didn't use that word when you are upset with me."  And then---the most important part---you don't withdraw your attention or affection and wait until your tender ego is all healed days later or until he has done something to deserve your closeness.  You immediately work to build the relationship by staying engaged and not isolating.  As he senses your motives are genuine in building the relationship, typically a softening occurs and the desire to change his behavior will increase.