“You Hurt My Feelings”
03/29/2018
"You hurt my feelings." How many times have you heard this statement? How many times have you said this? Let me teach you one of the most fundamental principles of emotional fitness: Take responsibility for your feelings and don't take responsibility for anyone else's feelings.
I touched on this in an earlier post but let me address it a little more in depth. No one has the ability to make you feel anything. Your feelings come from the thoughts you choose. If your supervisor at work says you didn't do a very good job on a project, regardless of whether she is right or wrong or if you agree or disagree, you get to choose what to think, which ultimately creates your feelings. If you feel hurt it is because you chose thoughts that lead you to feel that way not because your supervisor gave you candid feedback. Was she wanting to hurt you? Most likely she is probably just trying to do her job. Let's pretend for a moment that she is domineering and gives harsh feedback. Now she is to blame for your hurt feelings, right? Wrong. You still get to choose your thoughts which will determine your feelings.
On the flip side, for example, if you give candid feedback to a co-worker about his job performance in attempt to help and he says, "You're mean; you hurt my feelings," you should not retract the statement and feel badly because he is now sad. His feeling sad is his doing. He could choose to listen to your feedback and understand your motive is benevolent, not malevolent. Consequently, he would not feel hurt or sad, but rather encouraged that he has input on how to improve.
Blaming others for the way you feel and always wanting to please others is an immature way of dealing with emotions and relating to people. First, you have to understand and learn to accept that people may say and do mean things. You cannot control this, but you don't have to feel powerless when someone is being mean. Second, you have to develop the strength to be able to handle someone not agreeing with you or, perhaps, even not liking you.
Becoming an emotionally mature person is a skill which takes time and practice just like any other skill but it is well worth it because the alternative is emotionally draining and unfulfilling.
(Note: These principles are based on the presupposition that we are applying at least a minimum level of consideration for others and are not being malicious. There are relationships that are emotionally abusive that often involve individuals who are narcissists and sociopaths where the circumstances are unique and different principles need to be applied.)